Hate Me
by Richi03
Summary: Oneshot about the relationship between Jay and Emma. R&R, revised.


**_Disclaimer:_** I do not own Degrassi in any way, shape or form...or the song Hate Me.

_**Author's Note**_: I know I have my other story that really needs my attention right now...but I've been thinking about writing this ever since I heard that song and I couldn't wait anymore. Hope you all enjoy and review are very much appreciated.

* * *

**Hate Me**

**I have to block out thoughts of you, so I don't lose my head  
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed  
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me I'm alone  
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home  
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain  
An ounce of peace is all I want for you, will you never call again?  
And will you never say you love me just to put it in my face?  
And will you never try to reach me? It is I that wanted space**

**Hate me today  
Hate me tomorrrow  
Hate me for all the things I wouldn't do for you  
**

**Hate me in ways  
Yeah, ways hard to swallow  
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you. **

He sat alone at his kitchen counter, like so many nights before. A single empty glass and an unopened bottle of Jack Daniels placed before him. He closed his eyes remembering the burning relief the liquid brought when it went sliding down his throat, taking all his pain away. A smile came to his face thinking about it, but the smile was soon wiped clean as were the thoughts, by a flash of her face...her face that came unbidden and not wanted into his head.

* * *

_"I really don't do this sort of thing. I just don't want you to think that, ya know, that I do. Cause I don't," Emma Nelson stumbled, nervously, tugging at the edges of her simple, white, cotton t-shirt. _

_"As opposed to me, who must do this all the time, right?" Jay Hogart asked her, his peircing blue eyes laughing at the way a blush slowly creeped up her cheeks._

_"No, I didn't...I mean..." She stammered, embarrassed over what her words had implied. Jay simply rolled his eyes at her and sat at the edge of the old bed._

_"Calm down, Greenpeace, I was just kidding," his tone was bored._

_"Oh."_

_"So what's got you upset this time?" Jay asked, genuine curiosity in his voice._

_"Why would I be upset?" She asked, her eyes darting around the tired motel room, taking in the peeling paint and yellowish stains on the pale pink bedspread._

_"Well, let's see here. The first time we hooked up it was because of the shooting and a certain best friend of mine leaving town. The second time it was because, oh right that certain best friend of mine popping up again, cause he cheated on you with Red. Although, we never had sex...well I don't consider it sex anyways. So what is it that has you so upset? Your mom die or something?" Jay's voice was hard and Emma flinched at his words. _

_"Nothing happened," she said softly._

_"Then why?" His blue eyes searched her chocolate brown for answers he would never find._

_"Maybe I just wanted to," as the words spilled from her lips she walked towards him, slowly peeling away the flimsy fabric of her t-shirt, then stepping out of the tight jeans she wore._

_"Why me, Greenpeace? Why do you always come to me?" He murmured into her silky hair as she wrapped herself around him._

_"Because I love you," she whispered._

* * *

Jay shook his head, forching the memory away. Seven years. That had been seven long years ago. God, did he miss her. He missed the familiar scent of honey-vanilla that would cling to his pillow long after she had left. He missed the way her tiny, perfect hands would cup his face before she kissed him. He missed the way her eyes would shine when she talked about something important to her and the passionate way she cared so much. He just plain missed her.

* * *

_"What am I to you?" Emma asked, twirling a strand of golden hair around her finger. Jay just stared at her blankely, no emotion crossing his face._

_"I mean," she shifted uncomfortably on the lumpy mattress, staring up at the ceiling, "What are we to you?"_

_His breath caught in his throat, he should have known it would happen. He should have seen this question coming. A girl like Emma Nelson didn't just sleep with a guy countless times and expect it to mean nothing. Especially when she was in love with the guy she was sleeping with. He silently berated himself because he knew what he was going to say to her before the words even left his lips. He knew that in the end she would only be left hurt and broken, just like the rest of them.  
_

_"Everything," he breathed, wrapping his strong arms around her frail body and pulling her close to him._

_"You, us, it's everything to me."_

* * *

Jay ran a hand through his dark brown hair and silently cursed whoever it was knocking on the door to his small apartment. He didn't move from his seat, figuring they would just go away. Eventually he gave up, as the pouding only grew louder and more incessant. 

"Fuck, hold on. I'm coming," he snarled as he raised himself from the stool and made his was over to answer the door, casting one last longing look at the bottle perched on his counter.

* * *

_"Jay! Jay, I know you're in there! C'mon Jay, let me in!" His girlfriend screamed, pounding on the wooden door. He just laughed and took another chug of the brown liquid. It had started out burning the back of his throat, but now went down easy as water. _

_"I swear I will break this door down, Jason!" Emma yelled, her fist slamming against the door even harder. Jay finally stumbled through the living room and opened the door, just as Emma was about to bring her fist down to bang on it again, causing her fist to connect with the right side of his face. The look of horror that came across her features at the fact that she had just punched him caused Jay to fall over laughing._

_"Well I'm glad you think this is funny, Hogart," Emma reprimanded him as she closed the door behind her. Jay collected himself and stood up so his six foot frame was towering over her tiny five foot four. He leaned down and planted a wet, sloppy kiss on her lips. The blonde shoved him away from her with a disgusted look on her face._

_"You've been drinking again."_

* * *

Jay pulled the door open to reveal Sean standing there, a worried expression on his face. 

"What's up, Cameron?" Jay muttered turning around and plopping himself down on the second hand couch. Sean shut the door and stood next to the couch peering down at his tortured friend.

"Ellie got a call from Craig today. It's about Emma."

* * *

_"I just need some space, Emma," Jay spat out at the frail girl standing in front of him. She wrapped her arms around herself, protecting herself from his harsh words._

_"Why won't you just let me help you?" She whispered, her voice broken._

_"I don't need your help," his voice dripped with venom._

_"I'm not leaving, Jay. I love you," her brown eyes filled with tears, but she quickly wiped them away. Jay stared at her for a moment, as if mulling something over. Then she saw a determined look come into his ocean blue eyes._

_"I slept with someone else," Jay said, testing her._

_"What? You're...you're lying," she shook her head furiously, refusing to believe what he was saying to her._

_"Deal with it, Greenpeace. She was ten times better than you could ever hope to be...ya know...in bed," he forced the words out, his heart breaking as he said them. _

_"Why are you hurting me? Why do you always hurt me?" She asked him, not bothering to wipe the tears from her face._

_"I hate you," she whispered before turning away from him and closing the door behind her with a soft click. Jay lowered himself to the mattress behind him, burying himself into the blankets that carried her scent. She didn't hate him, not really...but she would._

**I'm sober now for three whole months, it's one accomplishment you helped me with  
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won't touch again  
In my sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night  
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight  
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate  
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take  
So I'll drive so fucking far away that I'll never cross your mind  
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind**

**Hate me today  
Hate me tomorrow  
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you  
Hate me in ways  
Yeah, ways hard to swallow  
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you**

Sean's words floated in the air between the two men, but Jay ignored them. Thoughts of her had been plaguing him worse today than usual and he simply wanted her to go away. He wanted to sit at his damn kitchen counter and empty the liquid of that damn bottle down his throat. He wanted to feel the burn of his pain flying away without her face coming in and stopping him. He wanted just one night of peace...just one night. It was too much to ask, though. He didn't deserve peace.

* * *

_"That's it baby, get it all out," Emma's soothing voice entered his ears as he emptied the contents of his stomach into the porcelin toilet before him. It always burned so much more coming back up than it did going down. She crouched down beside him and rubbed his back in circular motions with her hand. Once his stomach was completely empty he leaned back, slumping against the bathroom wall. Emma crawled over and sat beside him, lying her head on his shoulder. _

_"Why do you stay with me? I'm nothing," he slurred out, too ashamed to look at her. He felt the touch of warm fingers on his cold chin, lifting his head to stare into her warm brown eyes._

_"You're not nothing Jay, not to me. To me you're my world," she smiled softly at him and leaned against him once more. With a small sigh he layed his cheek on her head and the two sat that way for the rest of the night. Jay knew he didn't deserve her, but he was too selfish to give her up...to give her a chance to be truly happy._

* * *

Finally forcing himself to acknowledge Sean's words, Jay glanced up at his friend. 

"And?" Jay asked, forcing his tone to sound bored.

"She's getting married," Sean told him, wearily. Jay just nodded and lowered his head to his hands, letting out a tortured sigh.

* * *

_The small dining room glowed with candlelight that flickered across her face, causing her to look like the angel Jay knew her to be. It was a rare occasion that he stayed sober, but tonight...he had to do this right. For her...she deserved that much at least. As the pair finished their meal, comfortable silence hung in the air and Jay knew this was the time._

_Now or never._

_He shook his shaggy brown locks out of his eyes as he kneeled down before her. His hand fumbled with the black, velvet box that sat in his front pocket. Emma's chocolate eyes widened as she realized what he was doing. Before he was even given the chance to say the words he was being thrown back with the weight of another body on top of him. She sprayed little kisses all over his face inbetween shouts of, "Yes Yes Yes!"_

_That night Jay didn't touch a drop of alcohol and got drunk soley on her scent._

* * *

"Get out," Jay spat, not looking up. 

"Jay-"

"Get out, Cameron," Jay said again, forcing the tears to stay hidden behind his closed eyelids.

"I just thought you should know. She seems happy," Sean gently said, slowly walking towards the door.

"At least she's happy," Jay muttered as Sean left the dingy apartment. Jay swept his dark hair behind his ear and made his way back into the kitchen.

Jack was calling his name.

* * *

_"Do you love me, Jay?" Her tearful question broke his carefully constructed composure._

_"You know I do," he said to her, cupping her face in his hands. She flinched, only slightly, at the stench of alcohol that came off of him in waves._

_"You say the words, but sometimes I wonder," her voice drifted off into the cool night air._

_"Why did you come out here, Emma?" The dark haired boy asked her...yes boy...he was still not yet a man. Emma looked around her at the clearing that was surrounded by towering maples and oaks. A faint smile appeared on her tear-stained face, it was a sad smile just the same._

_"This is where it all began," she said softly._

_"As much as I love this trip down memory lane, honey, we have a party to get back to," Jay told her, his tone turning cold. She knew the pull of the bottle would always win out over her, she would always be second to the hateful liquid. That pain of that flashed across her face. Jay didn't see it, he never did._

_"C'mon, Em, I don't have time for this," he was getting annoyed now._

_"No, you never do," she whispered, sadly, lifting herself from the weather-beaten picnic table, that she had always thought of as Jay's._

_"Don't start again, Emma. Not tonight," his voice was threatening and caused her large eyes to fill with tears for the second time that night._

_"How can you do this to me?" She whispered, and her voice was so broken it made him stop and turn to face her. He looked at her as if he'd never seen her before. For the first time he truly saw the pain she held in her sad brown eyes that had once been so filled with hope and life. For the first time he truly saw what he had done to her and he hated himself for it._

**And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave  
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made  
And like a baby boy I never was a man  
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand  
And then I fell down yelling, "Make it go away!"  
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be  
And then she whispered, "How can you do this to me?"**

**Hate me today  
Hate me tomorrow  
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you  
Hate me in ways  
Yeah, ways hard to swallow  
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you**

In one sweeping motion, Jay flung his arm across the counter sending the bottle flying. It hit the refrigerator with a loud crash, causing shards of glass to spray out across his kitchen floor. The pugnant aroma of the brown liquid filled his nostrils and for a split second he wondered what he had just done. Then he fell to the floor and buried his head in his curled up knees, tears streaming down his face.

* * *

_"Fucking A Emma, can't you do anything right?" Jay yelled at his girlfriend in a drunken stupor._

_"Jay, please, calm down," she pleaded with him, her eyes shining with unshed tears._

_"I told you to do the damn laundry. But does the laundry get done? No it doesn't," Jay continued ranting at her._

_"Jay I had classes today and then I had to go straight to work after that. I didn't have time," she pleaded with him._

_"Oh, because it takes so much time to throw some stupid clothes into a washing machine," Jay sneered at his girlfriend. Emma ran a hand through her long, honey-blonde hair and sighed sadly. She walked towards the door and turned to him, her eyes locking with his._

_"I can't deal with you when you're like this Jay. I just can't. I'm going to Sean's, just leave me alone for right now," her voice was hollow, it held no emotion._

_"Run to fucking Sean, Emma. Good plan. Run straight into the arms of you EX-BOYFRIEND!" Jay yelled out angrily._

_"You know it's not like that, Jay," she rubbed her tired eyes with shaking hands._

_"Perfect Sean, who always treated you so great. Is that what you wish, Emma? That you were still with him? The ass who cheated on you," Jay continued with his rant, acting as if she'd never spoken._

_"When you stop acting like this, give me a call," and with that she left the apartment. Leaving Jay to fight his own demons._

* * *

"So I'm obviously not here right now, or I just don't want to answer your call. Leave a message and I'll get back to you...maybe," Jay heard his own voice float across the apartment from the answering machine. 

"Um, Jay? Jay it's Emma. Sean just called me and told me that he, well...that he told you. I wanted to tell you myself, but I don't know. Why is this still so hard? Why do I still hate you so much, but love you so much at the same time? I wish you would answer, I know you're there. Sean said he saw a bottle of whiskey on the counter and Ellie had been telling me how good you were doing, not drinking. Three whole months, I'm so proud of you. Anyways...could you call me? Please? Just so I know you're okay, alright...well bye," her soft voice entered his ears. Why couldn't he have gotten his act together before? When she was still with him? When she didn't hate him?

* * *

_It had been three years since Jay had told her he needed "space", three years since he'd seen her beautiful face, when he ran into her at the grocery store. The basket he held in his hand carried only a frozen pizza, a bag of chips and a bottle of Jack Daniels. As he made his way to the check out line he heard a familiar voice from behind say his name. He turned to face the woman he hadn't seen since that fateful day, three years ago. She looked more beautiful than he remembered and he silently thanked whatever God there may be for the fact that sparkle she had lost in her chocolate eyes had returned. _

_"Hi," she said softly._

_"Um, hey," Jay replied, not really sure of what to say or how to act. The ex-lovers simply stood there and stared at eachother in the harsh flouresent lighting for a moment. He followed her gaze down to the basket he held and saw as her eyes rest on the bottle sitting there. He watched as she noted the way his hands shook from the withdrawal of alcohol in his system and the way her eyes turned cold when she looked up at him again. _

_"I see you haven't changed," she stated, her tone filled with hatred._

_"No, not at all," he retorted, turning his back on her he payed for his items and left the store. He smiled, a sad smile, as he drove his now beat up orange civic out of the parking lot. She hated him, he had accomplished what he had set out to do. Maybe, finally, she could have some peace and realize what was good for her, and it definetly wasn't him. When he got home he set the bottle on his kitchen counter and simply stared at it, the look in her eyes when she had seen it haunting his memory. _

_Three months later he still hadn't opened it._

**Hate me Today  
Hate me tomorrow  
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you  
Hate me in ways  
Yeah, ways hard to swallow  
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you  
For you**


End file.
